Episode 27: I'm Coming Out (Again)


It’s Pride month and as such I’ve been thinking a lot about my queer identity—specifically, the ways I honor that in my current relationship and then reminiscing about the rocky and enlightening road that led me to ID-ing myself in this way.

Even though I’ve written a few essays about my queer identity, I’ve never really gone into detail about my coming out experience and about what being queer means to me these days, especially with me being in a hetero relationship.

A lot of you are especially curious about that last bit and I’ve gotten many questions over the years about what it’s like for me to be queer while also being in a long-term relationship with a cis-dude. This question usually comes from people who have recently or are just now giving themselves permission to question and claim their not-straight sexuality, and they want to know, from me, how it is we manage my queer identity in our relationship.

So in honor of Pride and in celebration of my own not-straightness, here’s me, officially coming out—again.

Because as a femme-presenting, straight-passing woman in a long-term, monogamous-passing marriage with a guy, I often feel like I have to come out again and again.

Here’s my messy, confusing, dramatic queer identity origin story.

Press play to listen. (Or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.)

Click to download the transcript of this episode.


  • The myths that kept me from exploring my queer sexuality

  • What finally inspired me to come out—after denying it for so long

  • The first time I came out (and how my religious family responded)

  • Queer milestones: my first girl crush, sexual experience, and breakup

  • What I continue to struggle when it comes to being queer

  • And shout-outs to some important people in my coming out journey

Things mentioned in this episode:

Henry & June, by Anaïs Nin; the first blog post I wrote where I came out; the first time we opened our relationship (and my first queer date) + a more recent post on non-monogamywhen I went to lesbian summer camp.

Ev'Yan Whitney