Episode 25: Your Sexuality Questions Answered
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[ INTRODUCTION FROM EV’YAN ]
Hey, everyone, I'm Ev'Yan Whitney, and welcome to the Sexually Liberated Woman podcast. Wow. So this is officially the 25th episode. And can I just say that I am super impressed with myself. When I originally sought out to do this podcast, I had no idea that it would turn into this or that it would last this long. So to make it to Episode 25, after a year of doing this, it feels really good, like a milestone. Actually, I have some news that I want to share with you about the future of the Sexually Liberated Woman. But we can talk about that a little later.
In today's episode, Episode 25. I'm answering some of your sexuality questions and giving you sex advice with my friend, sex educator and comedic storyteller, AmorieJane. A few days ago, I went on Instagram and put out an open call to folks who had questions about sex and their sexual liberation journeys. And the questions that I got were so good and so interesting that I thought I'd enlist AJ and have her share her perspective and help me into them. AJ is an amazing source of wisdom and a huge advocate for sex positivity and sexual agency. I've actually been on her podcast, Sex on the Brain, a few times now. So it's about time that I finally have her on mine. So we answer a bunch of your personal questions about cunnilingus, sexual boundaries, safe sex, body acceptance, low libidos and non monogamy. So without further ado, let's get right into it.
[QUESTIONS WITH AJ]
Ev’Yan: Hey, AJ, thanks so much for coming on the phone with me and being willing to answer some of these questions.
AJ: Yeah, thanks for having me on.
Ev'Yan: So our first question comes from, we'll call her Sierra. It's a fake name. She says "in my sexual relationships with men, I've been having a hard time having the sex be protected. Usually they don't even make a move to put on a condom. So I say something. And inevitably, we either use it, then take it off, or stop using it after having sex one time. In the moment, it feels so good to me to have someone inside of me without a condom. But afterwards, I just feel dirty and kind of used. For so long. I've been saying I was straight up walk out of a room if someone wasn't down to use a condom. But I inevitably stay I think, based on my own pleasure seeking mind, and also the feeling that my voice isn't that strong still. I always have dialogue about whether or not people have been tested. But I don't really trust anyone. I would love your feedback and advice on this. Thank you, Sierra."
So what do you think? I mean, the first thing that came to mind when I was reading this question was I mean, there's a couple of things going on here, right? Like the fact that Sierra feels used and dirty after she has sex without a condom, like my first thought was, maybe she feels used and dirty, because she is continuing to violate this boundary that she has for herself, that says, I'm not going to have sex without a condom. And then somehow, some way she ends up having sex without a condom.
AJ: Yeah, but also that she may be feels like, she wasn't strong enough and sticking up for herself and is having the guilt and shame that's associated with that. Because yeah, in the moment, it's a lot harder to stick up for yourself in your own safety, when you are really pleasure driven. And if you're a person who's maybe not used to sticking up for yourself, and you know, you got to keep in mind the power dynamics there. So that can be really difficult as well, when a man is trying to encourage you. And I think there's this whole idea of if you say no, or you're really firm about it, then that might mean that person doesn't like you. So there's a lot that goes into the thought process of why you would probably choose to go against your own wishes, and not use protection.
Ev'Yan: What advice would you give her to, I don't know, like, be more committed to this particular boundary?
AJ: Yeah, I would probably encourage having the conversation with partners before the moment of so if you're out on a date, and things are feeling like they're going to be physical that night to have a conversation in a neutral territory. So instead of while you're right in the moment, and you have to make a decision about the condom, when you're having dessert maybe. And just saying something like, hey, it seems like things are getting physical here. And it might be a good time to have the safer sex talk and say it then when you're not in the moment when you don't have the passions going and letting somebody know that you're really firm about that, in that setting might make it easier when later on. It's time for the condom, because you've already talked to them about it.
Ev'Yan: Yeah another thing that I thought of too, is maybe it would be helpful for her to bring her own condoms with her. Because if she's waiting for these these guys to like, pull one out and and you know, be responsible. Maybe she should empower herself, bring her own condoms that feel really good. That feels super thin, but that will keep her protected. And that way, you know if one of these guys is like, Yeah, I don't really know if I want to use a condom. She can be like, oh, no worries, I got one right here. And that that can be a way to use her voice but also protect her boundary as well.
AJ: Yeah. And she could even do it in a sexy way. Like, oh, I've got condoms. I love these ones. They're super thin. They feel really good. That way. It's kind of like, oh, that seems like something I want to try. Then when you say that you're really into and they feel good. If people reach for a condom, and they're like, Oh, I hate these things. I guess we have to use it. It doesn't exactly make people excited about it. And so just having that little attitude shift of like, oh, this is my favorite brand. I'd love to try this with you might be really helpful. So I like that suggestion.
Ev'Yan: Do you have any like, I don't know, favorite brands of condoms that you use that you like?
AJ: Yeah, so I'm actually allergic to latex. So I use polyisoprene condoms, my go to are the Skyn condoms, S K Y N,it's lifestyle brand, the packaging looks really pretty. It's like black and gold. So every time I pull one out, it feels super classy. So I really like those and they are nice and thin. They come in two sizes, which is great. So I usually carry a couple different sizes with me. The FC2 is another really interesting option. That's the internal condom. So that's one that gets inserted inside of the vagina. What I like about that is that can be inserted in advance. So I could go to the bathroom and insert the FC2. And then if things are getting hot and heavy, and someone doesn't have a condom or doesn't want to use a condom, I already have one inserted inside of me.
Ev'Yan:Whoo. That's a good idea.
AJ: Yeah, those do take a little getting used to at first because they're so different. But it is kind of nice, because you know, if somebody with a penis is complaining about the condom, I'm like, well, then you don't have to wear one. I'm wearing one. Yeah, it kind of takes that away as well.
Ev'Yan: You know, I've never actually inserted condom inside of me. And I imagine that's a little difficult to do. I mean, is it a lot easier than I think it is.
AJ: It's pretty easy. Um, the ring, the big ring that goes internal, it's really squishy. So you just kind of bend it over, I think it's honestly a lot easier than inserting a menstrual cup, which a lot of people have done nowadays. Because you know, it's thinner, and it's not as bulky. But it's really similar and that you have that material, usually a silicone or night trial that's squishy, and it can just be folded up and then inserted like a tampon, and then it kind of pops open at the top by the cervix. I think the hardest part about the internal condom is just keeping it in place. So kind of taking the outer ring and tucking it around the labia. And then sometimes it's holding it in place when you're shifting or getting into different positions so that someone doesn't penetrate to the side of the condom, you know, ruin the purpose of it.
Ev'Yan: Right. Right. Yeah.
AJ: So that could be another option to to put that in her control.
Ev'Yan: Yeah, yeah, I like that idea. And again, you know, it's it's really important that, like what AJ was saying before, that you already have it in your mind that if you're going on a day, and you see that sexy time could be in your future, that you come prepared, and you're able to, you know, show up and say like, hey, this is a boundary that I've created for myself, before I even go on this date that no matter what happens, no matter how hot and heavy it's going to be, I'm going to make sure that this boundary stays intact, and I'm going to continue to protect myself
Ev'Yan: Our next question is from someone named Lucy. And she says, when a new partner is eating me out, and it's okay, but not great. I find it difficult to speak up and ask for them to do it differently. Because I don't want them to feel unappreciated or embarrassed. Do you have any advice?
AJ: I kind of love the go to sandwich method or sometimes called the Oreo cookie method, where you sandwich the criticism or critique in between two compliments. And it sounds kind of awkward to say it like that. But it can come across a lot more smoothly when you're doing it. So what that might look like during cunnilingus is, "I love your enthusiasm, not so into the sucking because I've got a really sensitive clit. But those licks are heaven," you know, something where it's like, you're telling them, you love this thing they're doing, this thing's not working. But this other thing that they could do or that they have done is phenomenal. And that way people don't shut down. Because if you're just like, oh no, not that that's not super helpful. Or conscrutive about what someone should do. So this way, it's kind of saying like, hey, I don't necessarily want you to stop. But here's some feedback. And here's the thing that's not working for me.
Ev'Yan: Do you think that the sandwich method can work though, like in the act of sex, like I'm just trying to think about the last time that I had someone go down on me and thinking about doing the sandwich method? Seems a little clunky? Like I wonder if, I mean, I think that the sandwich method could be a really good thing to do. Like, maybe after you have sex with them. And you guys can have this conversation and say, like, yeah, you know, by the way, I like the sex that we had last night or a few hours ago was amazing. And you can use a sandwich method then. But like, I don't know, I guess I'm just thinking of how you can do this in the moment.
AJ: Yeah, I mean, I've done it in the moment. Usually, it's, it happens a little quicker than that. So if they're like sucking my clit too hard, for instance, I might kind of grab their hair and lift their head off a little. And say, like, love your enthusiasm. That's intense for me, softer baby, you know, hmm. Because then you're still doing the same method, it's just a little bit quicker. And I think using your hands, if your hands are free and able to be used can be really helpful. If you need immediate feedback, like if it's uncomfortable, if it's intense, not being afraid to just kind of gently pull somebody's head away, or not so gently, if that's your power dynamic.
Ev'Yan: Right, right. Well, I think to like, maybe using like one worded, guided directions that can sound like really sexy and sensual in the moment, like, you know, harder, softer, no, over there, or right there, like maybe even using positive reinforcement, like letting them know, like, exactly when they hit the right spot and letting them know, like, oh, yes, this is exactly what I like. And using your moans or the way that you're moving your body as a way of letting them know like, this is really, really good for me, I think that that can also work too.
AJ: Absolutely. I think people in general do better with positive reinforcement. So the more that we can give that then the better that's going to be. And I like your idea of having conversations afterwards. So I don't think people should suffer through something that's unpleasant or uncomfortable. But you know, if it's an ongoing thing that someone just keeps doing over and over again, having a conversation about that outside of sex, might be a good idea, just kind of like a hey, you know, this is the thing that is your style of cunnilingus and I love how you're always between my legs and always trying to make me feel good. But these techniques might be some that are going to be better for my body personally, and then offer some feedback. And sometimes that can be awkward, because we don't want to feel like we're insulting people, especially when they're trying to give us pleasure. So just making it kind of a light hearted thing. Sometimes people even forward articles that they find or techniques that they see online or read about online and just be like, hey, do you want to try something new?
Ev'Yan: I like that idea.
AJ: Yeah, because that way, it's not like, hey, you're terrible. It's more of like a new thing for us to try. We might like this together.
Ev'Yan: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, positive reinforcement is so helpful. And then also just framing it from a place of, I'm curious about this new thing, or, or I really enjoyed what you did last night. Let's see if we can take it a step further in this direction. I mean, I think, also to having those conversations about sex, after the sex or when you're not in a sexual context can be really helpful. Because I know for me when I am in a sexual contact with someone and things are getting hot and heavy, it's really difficult sometimes to actually say eloquently, and to articulate exactly what I need in that moment. And usually, like, after the sex has taken place, and there's enough perspective, and I can kind of check in with myself and ask myself, how was that for me? We can sit down, me and my partner and I can say like, you know, yes, let's talk about the sex that we've had lately, or the sex that we had last night. Like, did you enjoy it? What did you enjoy about it? I think that bringing a sense of like, acknowledgement and awareness and just like openness and transparency about the sex you're having is so important. And I don't think people do it that often. Like, I don't think that they create those conversations enough.
AJ: Yeah, I agree.
Ev'Yan: Next question is from Lynn. Lynn says, I've never successfully masturbated. I get frustrated long before I feel enjoyment begins. And then I stop. My therapist shared visual resources with me, but honestly, I don't use them. None of the ladies on here are brown like me, and I can't seem to connect with that resource. I want to enjoy it, but I can't get past my mental block any resources or suggestions?
AJ: So the beginning of the question was that they haven't masturbated "successfully". Is that was that the word that was? Yeah, I've never masturbated successfully. Okay, so they are masturbating. But maybe it's just not pleasurable or not to the point of orgasm.
AJ: Yeah, I mean, I think that at first just masturbating without any sort of goal can be really useful just purely to try to get to know your own body and see what feels good. And to switch it up. You know, I think that a lot of us when we think of masturbation, we tend to think of like, laying on our backs and using our hands. And that's pretty much like what's in our minds, but some people really do better with positions that are not on their backs. Some people like doing more of a doggy style and on all fours, or sitting on something that might be more comfortable for their body, or maybe just so different, that it's erotic. So switching up the positions could be helpful. And it doesn't say whether or not they're using toys, but exploring toys could be really useful.
Ev'Yan: That was going to be my my question to like whether or not they were trying to use a vibrator. Because I know some people who try to use just their hands just manual masturbation, it can be really, really frustrating for them. Because there's they're still trying to get used to that rhythm. They're still trying to get used to what exactly turns them on in that way. And vibrators are like one of the best ways to at least you know, quote, unquote successful a masturbate if successful, is to achieve orgasm. But I would say that, like, take some of the pressure off of masturbation, because I know for a lot of us, like, we think that the point of masturbation is the orgasm. So maybe like taking that pressure off and just making the time that you lay down, go on all fours, just a time for you to like explore your body and to explore the senses, and the reactions and the responses that your body is receiving based on the pleasure that you're giving it. And if orgasm happens, like great, but if it doesn't, at least you're in this process of creating a really sensual moment between you and yourself. And like that me can be successful masturbation, because to me, that's what masturbation is all about. It's about connecting with yourself on a solo sexual level.
AJ: And in terms of porn, there are options out there that are going to be perhaps better. It's a lot of the mainstream stuff that just doesn't show much diversity in race or body types. But more of the indie porn scene definitely has people who might look more like the person who wrote the question, and I'm not sure if they're queer or hetero. But I know that Shine Louise Houston, who's a woman of color, she runs Pink and White Productions, which is a really amazing production company. And most of their adult entertainment is for queer people. But they have all sorts of different pairings, so much body diversity, they use a lot of real life couples, so you get that kind of sensuality and the communication there. So that would be one that I would recommend. And even if somebody isn't queer, they can usually find some good stuff there. Including other films that people masturbating which could be inspirational to to learn some new ideas.
Ev'Yan: Oh, I like that idea. I like that idea. One my favorite places to look at porn is actually Tumblr. It's like, there's something about seeing sexy GIFs that just like makes me so excited. And, and I like that there's so much diversity on Tumblr. And one of the best ways that I found to use Tumblr because there's so many, there's so many sexy, sexy tumblers out there, it can be kind of hard, and overwhelming to find the perfect one. Use the search function like that's, that's how I find my favorite sexy GIFs. And my favorite sexy photos and videos, just going into the search function, and searching what you want to see. So if you want to see solo masturbation, like put that in there, if you want to see black and sexy type stuff, like I think there is actually a Tumblr called Black and Sexy, that has all of these really beautiful images of black and brown bodies like in you know, the sexual situations.
AJ: Yeah, I love Tumblr porn. It's all honestly how I watch most of my porn.
Ev'Yan: Yeah, my tip is to like, if you have a smartphone, like download the Tumblr app on your phone, and that way, like, you can have one hand looking at all the sexy GIFs and the other hand doing whatever you want that other hand to do.
AJ: Yeah, that's great advice.
Ev'Yan: So the next question, this one is from Marjorie, that's a fake name. And she says, a few months ago, a boyfriend revealed to me that he thinks I'm overweight, I noticed that he was doing little passive aggressive things as jokes, like grabbing my stomach or talking excessively about healthy eating. I've been the same weight since we've met, which is within a healthy range. But I'm curvy. And I get the feeling that he hasn't been with many curvy women in the past. One day, I just asked him if he didn't like my body, and he went silent. The thing is, I know that he's wrong about negative use of my body. I've only recently started to love it myself, and was not going to let him reverse my work on my self esteem. So we've been broken up since then. And I'm very, very happy to hear.
Ev'Yan: But here's the thing. I've been telling myself for so long that I am my own worst critic, that guys or others don't see my body in the critical way that I have in the past, and that maybe people aren't as judgmental as I think they are. And then that boyfriend confirmed all of my worst fears. So while I haven't spiraled into a fit of self hatred, I'm once again very suspicious of the way that others might be judging my body. I'm starting to examine my body through others eyes, and I've lost the ability to look at my body myself and appreciate it as a separate entity from anyone else's opinions. So I guess my question is, how do I move on from this? How do I stop self surveilling? When I no longer have the quote people aren't as judgmental as you think approach because as it turns out, some people are that judgmental. And that one is from Marjorie.
Want to say I'm really really happy to hear that you broke up with this boyfriend because if I can be frank, sounds like a piece of shit. Yeah, really, really, really glad to hear that you broke up with him. But I but I, it sounds like his comments have really, they've really gotten into your head and into your body. And I hate that, I hate that this guy totally reversed the way that you see yourself.
AJ: And I felt so happy for the writer of this question, to be able to say I've done this work and I was feeling good about myself, that is so important. But yeah, this fucking guy, like grabbing her and and making passive aggressive comments. That's so douchey.
Ev'Yan: Yeah, it is.
AJ: I think you know, people, there are a lot of judgmental people. And there are plenty of people who it's completely true that they're not going to judge you. But there's a lot of judgmental people. And that's a really hard reality to live with. Even if you are your own worst critic, there's going to be some people that are just a step away from being your worst critic, and a lot of it comes from their own insecurities. And so that's a big part of it. And another huge part of it is just the media, our culture, society like that, we put so much emphasis on how bodies should look, and all this judgment on people to be a certain size.
And I've found in my dating, I've had a history of dating a lot of cis gender men. And the ones who I dropped immediately are the ones who I noticed start making comments about my body or if not my body, other people's body. Yeah, you know, and a lot of it is, these are people who are maybe a little insecure with themselves, but they also are people who feel like they're entitled to comment on my body, because that's what they've been told their whole life that they have the right to do. So that's why I started dating more within the queer community and dating people of others genders. And I've found it has been hugely helpful to my self esteem. And it's not necessarily my advice to this person to be like, go queer, go gay, screw those guys.
AJ: Because you know, not everybody is gonna flip like that, or maybe not everybody is interested in that. But I do think that there is something to be said about being involved in communities or dating people who are more aware, who are able to do critical thinking, but that's hard. That's more of like, how do you find quality people type of advice for as opposed to how do you get over this recent setback?
Ev'Yan: Right, right. I mean, I think I think what's coming up for me is like, it sounds like this guy had completely taken away your personal power with his comments. So I guess my first suggestion would be to try to get that power back. So if there is like an affirmation that you have, or maybe even a song that you can, like, turn on and dance to that reminds you of how beautiful you are, and how worthy of people who find your body beautiful, like doing something that kind of reinstills that your body is beautiful the way that it is. So I think my suggestion would be to like, try to get back into that frame of mind, even if you have to fake it till you feel it a little bit, just for the time being so that you can kind of like cleanse this guy's thoughts and ideas and belief systems like out of your body, because they don't there, they don't serve you and they don't, they're not yours, they don't belong to you, they belong to him. I mean, obviously, that's a lot easier to say than it is to do. I mean, that's going to be a practice, that's something that you'll have to cultivate over the next several months, or however long it takes, you know, but I would highly encourage you to maybe do some self love and like body acceptance, work around that. And like some kind of affirmation, being able to like sit with yourself and hold parts of your body that you felt like this man was judging you on and being able to send like loving energy to those parts of your bodies. I think that would be like a really great gift that you can get back to yourself and get back into your body.
I actually have a question for you, AJ, because you gave me some really amazing advice yesterday, I have this tendency of being really humble and not, and not believing that people could be coming on to me when maybe they are. And so the advice you gave me was to walk around, like, everyone thinks that I'm hot and to walk around, like everyone is attracted to me and trying to like, try to flirt with me or hit on me. I'm wondering like, if that would be good advice for Marjorie to play with.
AJ: I mean, that certainly could be a great way to go about things. You know, so instead of walking around thinking like people are judging me, yeah, trying to just say, you know what, I am good looking. And I think most people are attracted to me, just having that confidence. And sometimes it does feel a little false. Like, you have to convince yourself of it. But the longer you do it, the more it feels natural, and it can kind of feel arrogant at first. But when you recognize that you're still a humble person, you're still a good person, you just think that people recognize all the good qualities in you and think that you're hot shit. It can kind of balance everything out. And for me, like, I think when I walk around thinking that everybody is attracted to me, it does give me a whole sense of confidence in the world. And like, there's nothing wrong with walking around thinking everybody's attracted to you. There's nothing wrong with thinking you're amazing and hot, unless you're putting other people down in the process.
Ev'Yan: Right? And I mean, honestly, like, just given the messages that women are given about themselves and about being humble and not too vain. I mean, I kind of like, I think it's kind of okay for women to be a little arrogant. I think it's kind of okay for women to feel themselves and to walk like they are, you know, the goddess of their town or the goddess of the of the year. You know, I just because I know how often women, we shrink ourselves. And I think anything that can kind of like, re instill this idea that like you're hot shit, like there's nothing wrong with that. I don't think there's anything wrong with with being a little arrogant. I don't think there's anything wrong with with feeling yourself. And you know, honestly, to be frank, fuck anyone who says otherwise.
AJ: And honestly, the when I say like, if people are telling you, you're arrogant, and maybe tone it down, it's more of like, if people who you know in love are like, Whoa, you are being obnoxious. Like, that's one thing. But if people are like, Damn, you're full of yourself. And you're like, yep, I am. You know, I think that as women like we've earned that we've had to fight for feeling good for ourselves constantly total. And so the more we can I can do to push back and like, be confident in who we are. Other women see that and can be inspired by that, too. So I think that it goes beyond just doing it for ourselves, although doing it for ourselves is 100% totally fine, and a good reason to do it. But it also inspires other women when we are able to do that too, which is kind of an added bonus of upping our confidence levels.
Ev'Yan: Yeah, that's a good point. I think we need more people walking on this earth like they are goddess of the century like I want to see more of that I want to see more people walking around, knowing that they're hot shit. And because it inspires me and encourages me to take up space in that way.
Ev’Yan: The Sexually Liberated Woman celebrates sexual liberation and since you’re listening to this podcast, I think it’s pretty safe for me to assume that you’re already about that life. Maybe you’re already on your sexual liberation journey and you’re in this process of fully exploring your erotic self, or maybe you’re one of the many, many people out there who isn’t at all comfortable with their sexuality.
If so, I have some things that might help. When I’m not doing this podcast, I teach classes and facilitate healing that helps women and families liberate and connect to their sexuality and I’ve created some awesome resources to help them on their journey. There is a sensuality course that guides you into reconnecting with your sensual body one day at a time.
There’s a digital workshop I lead that teaches you how to use sensual selfies as a way to heal and celebrate your sexuality. There’s also my sexual liberation and healing practice where I help you step out of shame and into erotic empowerment via one-on-one mentoring, counseling, space holding, and fears accountability.
So, if you want to be sexually free, go to sexloveliberation.com/shop and start your sexual liberation journey. I absolutely cannot wait to witness your blossoming and I’ll see you there.
AJ: Yeah, so that is a very common side effect of both depression and depression medication. Certainly something I've dealt with myself, and it does take time. So I would say, definitely start with being patient and understanding with yourself and don't assume that like you're doing something wrong, or that you're messed up. It's just part of what happens naturally.
Ev'Yan: Yeah, cause you've you've been on antidepressants for five years, I mean, it's going to take your system to kind of get used to bringing those levels back to a natural level for you. I think you should give yourself a little bit more time and realize that this medication is like still working itself out of your system. And yeah, I think you definitely need to give it a little bit more time.
AJ: Yeah, it can take multiple months for people to readjust. And then if they're finding after multiple, multiple months, that they haven't readjusted to check in with a care provider about that. Like for some people, they, when they're on antidepressants, they have no sex drive, and then when they go off, it comes back fairly immediately. And other people can take lots of months. But as you're readjusting, checking in with a care provider, a psychiatrist or a doctor about that might be useful. If it is taking too long. Like if six months go by.
Ev'Yan: I wonder to like, in the meantime, as she is waiting, if there are some things that she could be doing to kind of gently bring attention and awareness to her body in central ways, not so much in a sexual way, but just kind of getting into your senses, like, what it feels to be touched, like what it feels to touch soft things or what is happening to you when you're eating something super tasty and like really luxuriating in the feelings of that.
AJ: Yeah, thing that's coming up for me, which is maybe not appropriate advice for everyone. But as a huge cannabis advocate, cannabis has been something that has helped my libido and my sexuality tremendously. And I have I struggle with depression. I'm not currently medicated. But cannabis is something that helps me be really present helps me luxuriate to get a little bit high and wrap myself in warm, comfy fabrics and eat berries or you know, other sensual foods and just act like I'm a goddess. Socially. Now with this nice warm weather like laying in the backyard and just kind of letting my body feel all of the sensations. it awakens me a lot. And so for me, that's something that's been really helpful to helping me be present and get my libido back. So if they're in a state that has legal cannabis, and it's something that they're interested in trying, that could also be an option, it helps one's body reach homeostasis. So if they're finding that they're just not feeling their normal selves, or where they want to be, it could help them feel that way. Because that's what its whole purpose is in the brain is to try to help people reach that homeostasis. And then if you overdo it and take a lot of extra, then you can have euphoria, which is not a bad feeling, either. But you know, of course, that's not for everybody. And if someone has never experimented with cannabis before, they might want to look into it a bit more and get their research beforehand so that they know what to expect.
Ev'Yan; What are some ways that you could start slow with cannabis?
AJ: You could try it topically first, which has no psychoactive effects. So using something like a cannabis lubricant, or cannabis oil, sab or something for massage that can help increase blood flow to the area can help with arousal, decreasing pain and inflammation. And just helping people focus more presently on those body parts. So they can use it on non genital areas or genital areas and see how that feels first, that could be a really easy way to ease into it. Beyond that, they could try micro dosing like small amounts of edibles just to get used to the feeling in their system. And then things like shotgun and vaporizing, which is less harsh on the lungs can be an easy introduction to cannabis as well. And in the meantime, episode four of my podcast is on sex and cannabis so people can get info there too.
Ev'Yan: Oh, awesome. Yeah, I will definitely put a link in the show notes for people to to listen to that was actually a really great episode.
AJ: Thank you.
Ev'Yan: Our next question comes from Olivia, and she says, I am 27 and married to a wonderful man. We've been together for almost 10 years and last year, we faced some difficulties together. I had a miscarriage in the beginning of the year. And this had a huge impact on both of us emotionally, but it felt as if it were all swept under the rug. A few months ago, I met a man that started working with me and I instantly felt a connection to this person. Long story short, I ended up cheating on my husband with this man and continued an emotional affair. Shortly after my husband found out and we were very close to separating, the other man left my job and we fell out of touch. At that time, my husband and I started therapy together and have built up our trust and connection with one another. We have never been closer. I'm glad that's good to hear. Somewhere early on in our healing process. My husband and I started to explore kink and bsm. It was a way for us to heal. It helped us communicate with each other more freely about what we wanted sexually. And the obvious result we're having much, much hotter sex than we've ever had. Yay. Um, we are now exploring the transition into a non monogamous relationship. Now that we're ready to take the step, I constantly think about this other man that I had an intense connection with, I often fantasize about him dominating me as I am a very submissive person in bed. My husband knows this and is willing to open up to me seeing him again. But we are sort of in this pause stage waiting for one of us to take the jump. I want my husband to be able to have his own experience first before I reach out to my lover again. My husband seems nervous and self conscious. So finally, my question, how can I encourage my husband to get out and free himself sexually so that we can continue this new journey together?
AJ: Olivia, that's really awesome that you went to couples therapy and it worked really well.
Ev'Yan: Yeah, congrats.
AJ: That is so good to hear.
Ev'Yan: And congrats on like finding kink and BDMS em and like using that as a way to bring connection and hot sex into your sexual relationship. That's awesome.
AJ: Yeah, that's really exciting. It is a lot of changes all happening at once. So you know, I would caution not to move too quickly, just because they're having these worlds opened up to you. Sometimes moving too quickly, can be really overwhelming. But it sounds like they're being really, really smart and really in touch about it and communicating through it. So that's, that's the main thing.
Ev'Yan: Yeah, you know, the one thing that it sounds like she's having a problem with is that she really wants to get back in touch with this old lover. But it seems like her husband, she's kind of waiting for her husband to maybe take the first step. Like she says in her letter, like, I want my husband to be able to have his own experience first before I reach out to my lover again. And like the first question that popped up in my mind is like, why does her husband have to be the one to take the first step? Because maybe your husband isn't ready yet. And like, that's valid, like it's okay for your husband to not feel ready to get into another relationship with someone right now. I mean, it's a pretty big step to take, especially if you have been raised in a monogamous society, like most of us have been, it's a lot to wrap your head around all at once. And so I would caution also against putting pressure on your husband to make a move that he's not quite ready for. And if that's the case, then that means that maybe, maybe this idea of him moving first, maybe that needs to be renegotiated. And maybe to you that has to take the first step.
AJ: Well, when I hear this, what I think is that she wants her husband to take the first step so that he can be excited and interested in involved in something so that when she starts seeing this lover of hers, who she had this really intense connection with, it'll be easier for the husband, because he'll have his own thing going on, which is not a bad instinct to have. But I think she knows that this intense connection, could be something that would be really strong and could take up some of her time. This is probably like a trying to protect the husband make sure his needs are getting met, while she goes in and rekindle this romance with her lover. Um, but I don't know, in my mind, and this is not, I'm not trying to have this sound like a judgment. But in my mind, there's a little bit of a caution flag or red flag with going back to that lover who, you know, that was a person who was involved in this situation before it was open. And that could also change the dynamics. If they haven't talked, I don't know if they're still talking like online or something and just haven't seen each other because that'd be different.
But if it's like, she's going to reach out and expect that he's still going to want to be a lover with her again, she might be in for a surprise that he won't be because for some people, it was the attraction of it being taboo, or that the fact that it wasn't a fair that made it so enticing. And now doing it ethically and open. He might not be interested in that. I don't know. But that's something to consider. Yeah, that's a good point. I've definitely had a situation where I've pined for somebody. And then when my marriage was open, and I went to go have that person as my lover, it was a very different dynamic, it was only enticing to them when it was a taboo thing that we were flirting. So that was my own experience. Of course, this could be completely different. But I have heard of enough other people when I tell them about that say that that's happened to them to to just be aware that that could be a possibility. And that it might be a safer bet for their openness to maybe go out on some dates together like join OK Cupid or another dating site where you can be open and on there and like meeting other polyamorous couples and going out on double dates as a way to introduce themselves to it first, instead of going back to be with a former lover, where the relationship almost ended, because of that connection. It just seems like a little risky. Yeah. And I think that there are ways that they could open up, that would be a little less risky to start off with. And then maybe eventually, once they have some practice under their belt going back to that lover. I don't know, maybe I'm a little biased.
Ev'Yan: This one's a little tricky, because it there's so many layers to this one. And I mean, I can't help but come back to her the one question that she has, which, you know, how can I encourage my husband to get out and free himself sexually, and which again, kind of brings me back to what I was saying earlier, like, you can't really force or pressure someone to be sexually free, particularly in sort of, like non monogamous, freshly opened relationships, I mean, and I get why you would want to help your husband be more sexually free. I mean, that that is a very noble thing. I just, it sounds like there's some pressure in there for him to like, hurry up and find his rhythm so that you can go and like, meet up with this guy who you had an intense connection with. So I think AJ is advice about maybe taking a step back from this guy, and, you know, taking some slow steps in the direction of polyamory, like outside of this relationship with this guy that you've had a previous relationship with. I think that that could be a really good start. But I also think that, I don't know, maybe he just needs more time.
AJ: And if he needs more time, probably one of the safest things to do is to explore things together first, which may be they're already doing that. But things like swingers clubs or sex clubs or going to kink events. You know, that could be a way of having him open up more sexually, but within the comfort and the context of the partner being around so that he felt like, okay, we're stepping into this slowly, right? This for some people, they just need it to feel safe before they can do that. Yeah,
Ev'Yan: Yeah, I like that idea of doing it as a couple because it can be really overwhelming to kind of be like, Okay, I'm going to go over here and have my little relationship, I hope you can find someone on your own. On the side. I mean, doing it as a couple, it feels I know, for me, like in my experience of just dipping my toe into non monogamy at the time, it was really nice to feel like I had my husband's support, and that we were kind of doing it together so that like if all hell broke loose, I knew like I can come back to this healthy and solid foundation that we've created together. So I really like that idea. AJ, I think that's a great idea. Okay, our last question comes from Asha. She says, I'm an 18 year old about to start college and I'm a virgin. I've been homeschooled all of my life. And I've never had the opportunity to date. Any tips on how to navigate college and dating as a virgin?
AJ: You know, I feel pretty detached from modern college to know what it's looking to know what it's like,
Ev'Yan: I know, I was thinking the same thing like what is college like these days? I don't know.
AJ: Yeah, I mean, I teach at some colleges. And I do feel like people are a lot more open. Now. Of course, I've been teaching at like big public universities and community colleges. So it probably depends on the college. But I do feel like there are a lot of resource centers, Women's Resource Centers, queer resource centers at colleges now that host events that are good, just like social mixers, to get to know people and to talk openly about sexuality at those. So I think that that could be a on campus resource, going to those resource centers, and just meeting other students who are kind of used to talking about things like sex and getting some of your questions answered. But I maybe miss this in the question, did they say that they're wanting to remain a virgin and navigate virginity through college or they kind of saying that they're interested in the longer being a virgin and want to start exploring sexuality more.
Ev'Yan: It didn't, it didn't really stay at the letter didn't really specify me. It's pretty short. Just the last question was any tips on how to navigate college and dating as a virgin? So I don't know if that means like, they want to be a virgin, or they want to date as a virgin? And maybe like, hopefully not be a virgin? I'm not sure.
AJ: Yeah, and I mean, I think 18 is a quote unquote, normal age. For a lot of people. It's not like, being 40. And being a virgin, where if you tell somebody, you're a virgin, they're going to be like, Whoa, you know, if you're in college, in your day to day, you say that you're a virgin, I don't think people are going to be like, Oh, my goodness, you're a virgin and, and freak out about it. So I think that that is something that maybe might make it a little easier to just be upfront with people, and just coming at it with not being ashamed. Because if you just say, I'm a virgin nonchalantly, then people aren't gonna make a big deal about it. So if that's something that they want to do, like letting other people know that they're virgin, that they might want to take things more slowly. Just being upfront early, and dating seems like that, that could be a good thing to do. But if they're interested in exploring and no longer being a virgin anymore, that could be a different answer. So I guess it just depends on what they are looking for in their college experience.
Ev'Yan: Yeah, you know, the one thing that I would say, no matter what, whether you're looking to stay a virgin, or you're looking to date with the attention of not being a virgin, she doesn't really specify whether or not she has solo sexual experience, like whether she is masturbating. But I'm going to assume just because I was homeschooled for most of my life, too, and I wasn't given any comprehensive sex education or even encouragement to be sexual, I'm going to assume that maybe that was kind of your home life, too. And in that case, right now, being a teen and getting ready to start a really important part of your life going into college now is like that perfect time for you to explore who you are as a sexual being and to figure out what you want, what you're looking for, what, what gives you pleasure, what turns you on, what doesn't give you pleasure, what doesn't turn you on, I think now is like the best time for you to be curious and to explore yourself. And if you haven't already, I think creating some kind of a solo sexual relationship with yourself, whatever that looks like for you. I think that that could be a really, really good stuff in the right direction, because it sounds I know, when, when I was a virgin, and the prospect of sex was coming up, I was really overwhelmed at how much I didn't know and, and how much there was to be explored and uncovered. And I think one of the first, and the best ways for you to start is to start with yourself. I one of my favorite books that I love to give people who are like, just in the beginning stages of sexual exploration is women's anatomy of arousal by Sherry Winston. It's such a great book, there's a lot of amazing tools in there. But what's also really cool is that she's got exercises in there that can help you to create a relationship with yourself sexually in a way that continues to keep you curious in a way that educates you on your own body and what your needs are and what you could be looking for.
AJ: Yeah, I would second that book, for sure. And just in general, getting more information about sexuality and bodies, doing self exploration. Another good book could be girl sex one on one by Alison moon, yes, which is a very inclusive book. So it's for people, even though it's called girl sex one on one, it's really for everybody. And it's super modern. It's written from a perspective that's going to be inclusive of multiple genders and orientations. And so even if the person writing in doesn't necessarily identify in that way, I think just having a knowledge of how other people do identify and how other people have sex can really open their mind up to the whole world of sexuality. Definitely. And you know, it's always good to be educated.
Ev'Yan: Oh, my gosh, yes, totally educate yourself. Knowledge is power.
AJ: Yes. And I do just strongly believe that we should explore and know our own bodies. Well, before we give other people access to them, it's going to make our lives more pleasurable, and it's going to make consent much easier. When we feel empowered in our own bodies. We're going to be able to put up our boundaries much more easily that way as well.
Ev'Yan: Hmm. Yes, yes. I love all of that. Thank you so much, AJ, for coming on and giving us your wisdom today. I really enjoyed answering these questions with you.
AJ: Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you so much for having me on the show.
Ev’Yan: Yeah, totally. So um, tell people where they can find you.
AJ; Yes, so people can find me online at amoriejane.com. I also have a once a month podcast called Sex on the Brain with Amorie Jane, which can be found on my website or on iTunes and Stitcher. And I do a once a month live variety show here in Portland called Whoopie Sex Positive Variety Show. And people can find more information about that on whoppie.live.
Ev'Yan; And I've been to one of AJ shows before, and they're so fun. If anyone is in the area, they should definitely check it out. Thank you.
[QUESTIONS WITH AJ ENDS]
Ev’yan: Hey, so remember how I mentioned at the start of this episode that I have some news to share about the future of the Sexually Liberated Woman podcast? Well, this is something I've been thinking about for a long time. And I think I'm finally ready to say it out loud. This episode is the last episode of the Sexually Liberated Woman.
I know this is probably hard news for you to hear. And trust me, this was a very, very hard decision for me to make. But I feel like it's time it needs to change. Some of you who have been with me since the beginning, probably know this, or maybe you don't. But I do this podcast completely by myself, the editing, the recording, the producing, and the content creation. All of this is done in my apartment. There's no studio, there's no sound engineer, it's just me, and a microphone. And it's a lot of work, a lot of work. I honestly don't know how I've been able to do this on my own for this long. Could be because when I first started, my work was a lot less full. At the time, I had fewer clients and the projects I was working on were sparse. So I had a lot more time to devote to taking on the full time job of hosting and producing a podcast. But things have changed. Over the last few months, my clientele for my sexual liberation coaching program is full, the projects I'm working on are plentiful and demanding. And then of course, I've got this podcast which is bustling, and after asking for my attention in its own way. And all of this is amazing. Actually, much of the growth I've been experiencing has come from this podcast, which has been a pleasant surprise. I really, really love what I do. And to be wanted and seen in this way is such an honor and a privilege.
But I'll be honest, I've been struggling a lot with how busy I've been. It's been hard for me to make time for self care. It's been hard for me to devote myself to other parts of my work that need my attention. As much as it pains me to admit this, the Virgo son that I am, I realized that I can't do everything. I mean, I can but then my well being suffers and the rest of my work and my commitments suffer. And my personal relationships suffer. So when a part of my work feels like it's taking more than it's giving me, that's when I know I need to transition. being faced with this decision, I was thinking about maybe changing the frequency of the podcast, maybe making it once a month instead of twice a month. But honestly, when I really sit down and think about it, if I'm really, really honest with myself, if I continue to do this podcast, I'll be doing a huge disservice to it, and also to you by doing something that I can't realistically manage or show up for fully anymore. So I need to let it go. Here's the thing, though. In my heart, I don't want this to be over. I truly love doing this podcast and having these conversations. And the feedback I've gotten over the last year tells me that you feel this same way. So I definitely will come back, but only if I can find adequate help. Like if I could find someone who can come on to my team, and help me with the things that I need help with like editing or producing. Without a doubt, I would pick this back up again. So this is a call to you. If you want the sexually liberated woman to come back, hook me up with a podcast network. If you've got experience with editing audio, maybe send me an email and we can talk about potentially working together. Who knows with your help the podcast could be back up sooner rather than later. For now, though, I need to move on.
This all feels really good to say. And it's also really, really hard. But I hope that you'll continue on your sexual liberation journey. I hope we can still stay connected. One of the best ways you can continue to follow me and my work is by joining my newsletter and you can find that at sexloveliberation.com/subscribe. If and when I come back to the podcast. That'll be the first place I'll announce it.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for supporting this podcast and leaving such amazing reviews. Thank you for following me. Thank you for telling your friends about this podcast. Thank you for inspiring me. And thank you especially for giving me space and understanding as I grow and evolveand honor myself.I hope to talk to you like this again. Really, really soon. Bye.